


Trying to Smile

by Coyote_the_Trickster



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics), Harley Quinn (Cartoon 2019), Harley Quinn (Comics), Poison Ivy (Comics)
Genre: Adolescent Sexuality, Alexithymia, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Character Study, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Coming Out, Depression, F/F, Female Friendship, Femslash, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Gay Panic, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian Character, Mental Health Issues, POV Female Character, POV First Person, POV Lesbian Character, Psychoanalysis, Romance, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Slow Burn, f/f - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:55:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24693385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coyote_the_Trickster/pseuds/Coyote_the_Trickster
Summary: Pamela Isley has never been good with emotions, love being the most foreign feeling of them all. As her childhood friend, Harley has always been her closest bond, but as time passes, their relationship starts to change. No one said growing up was easy.High School/Childhood Friends AU, Pam's POV
Relationships: Pamela Isley & Harleen Quinzel, Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel, Selina Kyle & Harleen Quinzel
Comments: 53
Kudos: 124





	1. Feelings Are Hard

**Author's Note:**

> An idea I had, but I am not sure if I want to continue it. 
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments!

I dreampt of my funeral that night. The vision was so vivid that when I awoke in my bedroom without any recollection of who I was or where I was, I actually considered the possibility that I had drifted away to the afterlife—and all those stories I heard from Sunday School, years ago, were nothing more than lies—or at the very least, a misunderstanding. Hell was dark, cold—quite the opposite of the fire and brimstone that had always ignited my imagination as a young girl.

I hadn’t quite woken up yet, half of me still lying in a casket. Everyone talked around me, about me, but no one looked at me. It seemed both intentional and not, like the girl they mourned was someone else.

The cramping of my side under the weight of my body brought me back to reality. My hands solidified before my open eyes, as the feel of warm blood tingled in my fingers. The dark shadows of the room morphed into familiar objects and furniture as my eyes adjusted to the absence of light.

I liked the dark, comforted by its ability to hide me from prying eyes and groping hands.

In the mirror, I caught sight of _her_.

I turned away from the unrecognizable girl staring back at me. _Don’t be afraid_ , my Mom had told me after the first time, _she’s only you._

Lying on my back, memories returned to me. Memories of my supposed life that felt more like scenes from a movie or book, in which I was no more than a passenger, a third-party observer, to a life that did not belong to me.

_VRRRRR...VRRRRR...VRRRRR..._

I couldn’t stop my hand from reaching for the phone. Perching on the edge of the bed, I frowned at the contended feelings in my chest.

_Harleen Quinzel_

_1 New Message_

I didn’t even open it. I didn’t need to.

Dropping the phone onto the bed, I found myself filled with a newfound motivation to get as far away from it as possible. Light peeking through the blinds drew me towards the only window I had.

From there, I had a clear view of my small garden in the backyard. It was almost spring, and the buds of the bleeding hearts and tulips were about to burst with color. Soon, the splayed leaves of the jack frost would be adorned with blue blossoms.

I was starting to feel a little more like myself. A little lighter, as my head emptied, and my heart jumped at the thought of being outside with my hands in the dirt.

I stood there until my alarm went off, reminding me that I had to get ready for school.

On my way to the closet, I caught my reflection in the mirror. I tried to smile. Mom once said my smile was beautiful. _It lights up your face!_ But I couldn’t believe her, when all I saw was a girl _pretending_ to be human. The smile was hollow, the face a mask. 

Deep down, I knew I couldn’t smile.


	2. We're Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who read the first chapter and came back for another. I especially appreciate those of you who took the time to tell me what you thought. I hope the story continues to interest you.

I liked walking to school. Admiring the ash and maple that stood tall as they lined the roads was one of my small comforts. I could imagine each vein and leaf, and how they grew fuller and more colorful under the watch of the sun. I envied them. How did they know it was safe to open up and face the light?

I slowed my pace as I approached the bridge that led to our school’s entrance. A part of me wanted to turn and run. An uneasiness nibbled at the back of my neck.

I kept my head down as I passed a few kids perched on a wall just before stepping onto campus. Campus was comprised almost completely of cement. Rigid and gray, the buildings towered. The only hint of color came from the crowning oak tree in the center courtyard. It was magnificent in how it rose above everything; it’s branches twisting as they continued to extend their reach beyond it’s concrete prison. Even in winter, when it could no longer hold onto to any of its leaves, the oak stood with pride, and confidence, knowing fully that color would return to it again.

The laughter and voices around rung hollow to my ear as my feet carried my quickly around the clumps of students who had arrived early that day. On occasion, I’d lift my eyes to survey those around me. Everyone donned a similar uniform making them blend into one another like a messy, watercolor painting.

Harley usually had morning soccer practice this time of year, and was often hanging around outside with her teammates before first period. I always struggled with Harley’s unpredictability. She relished in chaos, and unashamedly at that. She was known for flaunting the school’s dress code—wearing Chucks instead of Mary-Jane’s, painting her nails black and red, and always preferring to wear pants instead of the uniform’s more traditional skirt. It was frustrating to say the least, especially when I couldn’t predict her actions, like where she would be each morning before the bell, or when she would want my help with homework, or how she might touch me—.

A howl...laughter...

I froze.

A few months ago, I would have followed that howling laughter until I found her. Harley's smiling face was something I had longed for every day, grown dependent on ever since we first met in grade school. But recently, it felt more like she was baring her teeth to me, warning me before sinking them into me.

The laughter died down, and I spotted Harley with a few other girls near the stairs. The pale skin of her neck, exposed above her shirt color, looked soft to the touch. My fingertips tingled, and my face flushed.

I ducked into the nearby bathroom as I caught sight of her striking, blue eyes. The stall door _clanged_ behind me, slamming shut. My heart raced. I was out of breath as Harley chased me inside my own head. Lowering myself onto the toilet, my hands cradled my face. I squeezed my eyes shut so tight, I saw stars. Good. It was better than Harley filling in every crack and void in each of my thoughts.

The vibrating phone in my jacket pocket startled me. I almost jumped.

I couldn’t hide forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think, if you still want more. Is there anything that piqued your interest while reading? 
> 
> Thank you for reading this next chapter!


	3. A Ray of Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience! Happy reading!

The dirt felt cold and moist against my fingers. I couldn’t help myself from digging deeper, my hands grasping at the earth as it crawled under my finger nails. Leaning forward, I imagined being absorbed into the soil. To be planted among my flowers would make me so happy. I loved my garden, but people...people were harder for me.

My eyes wandered back to my phone lying next to me in the grass.

_VRRRR…VRRRRR…_ _VRRRRRR_ _…_

It hadn’t always been like this. Harley and I used to do everything together, but now I was running away from her at every opportunity. But that was ok, I had come to accept the fact that the human world wasn’t for me. I felt I had more in common with the green, than any living, breathing human being. In the mirror, I saw a monster, incapable of indulging in sentimentality of tenderness. Those things, simply, weren’t in my nature.

The echo of the front door clicking sounded in the backyard. Dad was home, and I became even more focused on the bleeding heart seedlings that had finally started to sprout. I felt no urge to run to him, hug and kiss him, and tell him about my day. The only place I felt at home was here, among my flowers. Dad would rather believe I was tucked away in my room, studying anyway.

It was easier this way...or so I believed at the time.

“Pamela!”

My ears perked at his voice. How unexpected. Dad usually retreated to his study after a long day. If I was lucky, I might run into him in the kitchen as we each prepared our own dinners, but other than that we lived like strangers under the same roof.

“Pam?” he called again.

My legs extended under me. Now standing, I brushed the dirt from my knees. Whatever he wanted, I hoped it would be quick.

The sliding glass door screeched as it opened. My Dad’s head emerged from the other side, almost like it was detached from his shoulders. His mouth opened to say something, before he was interrupted by Harley popping out from behind him.

I should’ve known it would come to this if I avoided her long enough.

Dad disappeared and the door shut with an intrusive _shunk_.

My movements seized, before my eyes wandered to the swath of grass that spread under our feet. I focused on the patch browning beside me.

“You avoidin’ me, or somethin’ Pammy?”

The sincerity in her playful tone almost knocked me off balance. It was enough to make me angry.

“I’ve been busy,” I said, casting my eyes behind me. 

Turning from her, I lowered myself in front of my babies. They stood without judgment, and I loved them for that, “In fact, I’m pretty busy _right now_.”

“Aw come on,” Harley whined, her feet crunching the grass as she stepped closer, “It’s been ages!”

I gave a quick glance at her over my shoulder.

“School’s gonna kill you for that, you know…”

Harley had her hair pulled back in two high pig-tails showing off a new dye job of pink and blue.

“What? This?” she sounded oblivious, briefly admiring the tips of her pigtails.

I nodded, before picking up my watering can.

“Aw what’s the worst that could happen?”

“You’ll get suspended.”

There was pause, and then, “Aw, senior year was getting boring, anyway.”

Harley laughed, showcasing her carefree attitude in a way that grated on me. I tried my best to ignore her, to focus on the one thing I could depend on. The things that could never hurt me. The bleeding hearts would be beautiful once fully bloomed. In taking a drawn out breath, I felt myself calming by the smell of the dirt.

Harley sat beside me, crossing her legs and humming. I knew why she was here. Every _damn_ message I had ignored from her had been about the same thing.

“I have no interest in joining the soccer team.”

“Aw, but Pam—it’s so much fun! Remember when we used to play as kids?”

I had played soccer with Harley up until junior high, but these days I did the bare minimum to get through P.E. Soccer interested me no more than any other sport. The way the girls would scramble after the ball, whoop and scream when they scored. I couldn’t imagine being on the field again. 

“I’ve got a lot of honor classes this year.”

At this, Harley let out a pitiful groan.

“But Pam, you were always really good—!” she whined.

“Why are you so intent on me playing anyway?”

I whipped my head around to look at her, driven crazy by her over indulgence of her feelings. As always, Harley seemed to have no concern for how her actions affected those around her.

She looked shy in that moment, her eyes not quite catching mine as they rolled up towards the sky.

“I want to see more of you.”

Her voice was soft, as she directed her eyes back at me, showcasing a broad smile that carried an enthusiasm that seemed almost otherworldly. My cheeks burned, as I felt my chest tighten around my rapidly-beating heart. Harley was dragging me to the edge of a cliff, threatening to push me over.

“You see me enough.”

Her eyes seemed to wander off again, “Did you just lose interest?”

“I have to focus on school.”

That was what my parents had told me at least. Once I reached twelve, they stopped driving me to practice and games and I was somehow no longer playing. I might have missed it, but my classes got harder. I started spending more time with my garden.

We were quiet for a moment. I sighed with relief when it seemed like Harley was willing to drop the subject, and returned to watering. I had almost forgot Harley was there, my mind going leaving my body completely.

“Hey, you remember when my Dad took us camping?”

Smoothing the dirt around a new seedling, I smiled. Memories filled my head with nostalgia for a time when I felt happier, less disconnected. Sprawling junipers and gnarled pinyons in the forest are what attracted me to plants in the first place. Harley laughing as I chased her in the woods. The sound of the rain pattering on our tent when an unexpected thunderstorm rolled in. I had somehow forgotten these things. What they meant to me. What they gave me.

“Yeah,” I couldn’t help but laugh “I remember you _hating_ it.”

“We should do that again...but just the two of us.”

I narrowed my eyes at her, slightly peeved that she seemingly ignored my comment.

“You know, you still have to pee outside.”

“Yeah, I know.”

She shrugged her shoulders, a satisfied look on her face as she gazed up at the clouds. My eyes joined hers momentarily as the wispy shapes begin to smooth and stretch across the blue sky. The sun felt warm on my skin.

“Yeah…” I almost whispered, “Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What interests you most about this story so far? Do Harley and Ivy seem in character to you? I appreciate those of you who take the time to comment and give me feedback. You help me be a better writer! Much love~


	4. Changing Colors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience! I wanted to get this chapter up last week, but didn't feel satisfied with it at the time. I hope y'all didn't mind me taking some extra time to work on it a little more.
> 
> Thank you for reading and giving feedback. I know this isn't your standard Harley/Ivy AU fare. It is more of personal exploration for me, so if you find the story interesting, thank you. I have really enjoyed exploring these experiences and feelings of mine through these characters and their relationship.

I wanted to see more of her too…

The realization haunted me, following me around every minute of the day. Keeping me up at night.

Surrounded in darkness, my desk only illuminated by the dull light of the lamp, I tried to distract myself by getting ahead with some reading for one of my classes. It wasn’t working. The letters on the page jumped around and swapped places with one another, creating a whole new meaning.

Tears punctured the corners of my eyes.

Why was Harley interested in us camping anyway?

This was _Harley of all people_ —she never liked going when we were kids. She’d cry about missing her favorite cartoons, or the weather being too hot, or cold, or windy. Peeing outside was humiliating. Her Dad was trying to torture her, she’d exclaim!

Why _, then_ , suggest this trip?

I couldn’t stare at the nonsense forming on the page in front of me any longer. I pushed my chair back and stood.

Did she want something from me? Was this just another attempt to persuade me into playing soccer with her?

My insides felt itchy. 

In my periphery, I caught my dark reflection move in the mirror. As I approached her, I  kept our gazes locked. She was smiling, but the longer I stared her down, the more I saw that expression wane into something more familiar, and ugly.

The night before our camping trip, I went to bed unsure of what I was feeling. My whole body buzzed, keeping me awake for most of the night. Closing my eyes, I stepped back in time. My father’s voice rang in my hear, his accusatory tone busting through my body and penetrating my heart. My mother shouted—and then she was pleading with me, tears in her eyes:

“Please, just do this for us, won’t you Pammy? Be a good girl, and do this for  _me_ .”

Is that why she left...because I refused?

Light was bleeding through my eyelids. I could’ve sworn I only shut them a minute ago, but here was the sun beating through the window and onto my face.  I shielded my eyes with my hand as I sat up, the light to painful to face. It was only then I noticed my cheeks were wet.

Harley had, quite uncharacteristically, planned and packed for our entire trip. She had thrown all our gear—the same stuff we used when her Dad would take us—in the back of his old pickup. Jumping out of the front seat to greet me, her smile broadened. She pulled out her phone to show me a map with our camp spot marked.

I considered saying something—telling her I didn’t want to go, or that I knew this was ploy to butter me up in attempt to get me to join the soccer team. I wanted to...but after recalling that memory of my Dad and Mom, I didn’t exactly feel like spending the weekend at home.

Harley’s hands flew in all sorts of directions, her excitement bubbling out of every gesture.

“Yeah, you remember,” she said, glancing up at me, “It has all those trees with the white bark an’ the carvin’s an’ the color-changin’ leaves, up in the mountains…”

She was describing a spot we had camped with her Dad and Barry.

“The aspen grove…”

Harley disappeared, obscured by the stoic aspens that began to sprout from the ground underneath me. I had been mesmerized by how their leaves changed colors every trip. Sometimes they shimmered green, other times they sparkled gold. On one rare occasion, late into fall, they popped a bright red. Their shifting colors had filled me with awe at the time. I never knew that anything could change so completely before—that the world around me was mutable, more so than I ever knew as a child.

“Yeah! The aspens!”

Harley’s voice squeaked and my memory of the past melted away. Her smile, big as ever, never seemed to weaken.

The sun was starting to set just as we past the last outpost on our way up the mountain. It consisted of small shack that sold limited supplies and a single gas pump. Our town had disappeared behind us; its lights and concrete and brick shrinking to nothing in the rear view mirror.

Harley had resigned to humming in the driver’s seat. I felt bad for being quiet, my mind getting lost in the canopy of the trees as we passed them on the forest road. Every once in awhile she’d ask if I wanted to pull over, or if I was doing ok. Sometimes, she’d just talk to herself.

I focused my attention on what existed outside of the cab. The thought of not seeing another person for the next couple of days made me feel lighter, breathe a little easier. I could already feel the dirt under my fingernails, the water from the spring pouring over my feet. Was there still that trail nearby—the one with switchbacks and the canyon overlook? I played in my imagination, eased in by the drowsiness I felt from restless night and the forward motion of the truck.

“Are you mad at me?” Harley finally asked, breaking off her happy tune.

Her voice snatched me from my reverie, reminding me that I was not alone.

“I thought this would make ya happy—being out in nature an’ stuff?”

Did Harley sound concerned, or annoyed? I couldn’t quite distinguish...

“Harley, you hate camping.”

“Nah, I don’t think so.”

She met my eyes momentarily, her smile unnerving. I wanted her to tell me she didn’t want to do this—that she was only trying to get something from me. I continued to stare at her, angry at the thought of her using me.

The smile melted from Harley’s face as she traded glances between me and the road. There was so much I was feeling, but I couldn’t quite articulate it all. A part of me wanted to look forward to this, wanted to believe her when she said she wanted to see more of me, but I was also terrified of those desires.

“Pam, I—”

_Don’t say it._

“—I miss you. It’s like we never see each other anymore! I thought this would be something you’d enjoy...”

Harley’s sincerity shot through me like an arrow. I didn’t want to believe it—I _couldn’t_ believe it!

The truck slowed to a stop.

“Are ya sick?”

I had doubled over, my chest pushed into my legs—the air snatched from my lungs.

I heard Harley’s seat belt _click_ and release. Her hand was on my shoulder.

Finally able to push out a breath, I shook my head.

“I—I don’t know…” I barely was able to force the words out, “...sorry.”

I didn’t move for awhile. Harley’s hand remained on my shoulder.

What was wrong with me?

“Hey, whatever it is, you can tell me.”

I shook my head again.

“It’s nothing.”


	5. Can't Speak It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! 
> 
> Thank you for still following this story! I know this last update had taken a little longer than usual, so I appreciate your patience. It's a short chapter, but I hope you enjoy it. Happy reading!

I had convinced Harley to keep driving—that I was fine. Harley remained quiet for the rest of the drive.

By the time we arrived at our camp spot, I was starting to feel a little better, though that good feeling was immediately stamped out when I realized Harley had only brought one tent. It was the same one we had always shared, though now it looked so much smaller.

“Are you mad at me?”

Harley’s question, wrapped in something like naiveté, dug under my skin jarring old, forgotten feelings loose. Lying shoulder to shoulder, I could feel Harley’s shoulders rise with every breath she inhaled. Elusive feelings of awe and comfort made my insides shiver, as visions of past nights spent together under the green mesh of this tent came to the forefront of my mind. Back then, sharing this tent made me feel at home. Safe and...loved.

I attempted to inch closer to the wall, holding my lips together tightly. My legs shifted against Harley’s as I bumped up against the tent’s planted boundary. Being cramped so close together reminded me we were no longer children and we had outgrown this long ago.

“Come on, Pam!” she whined, her eyes bearing into me.

I couldn’t look at her—the threat of her wide, blue eyes and signature pout disarming enough. 

Of course, I was mad! But the feeling had twisted my throat shut and I couldn’t admit it. As always, Harley never thought things through—never considered how her actions might affect others.

Unable to answer her, I focused on the shadows of the trees moving across the top of the dome. The wind started to howl causing  a chill to breach our our bubble. I pulled at the edge of the extra blanket we had lied on top of our sleeping bags.

“Harley—how could you only think to bring one tent?” my voice eventually broke through.

“It was good enough when we were kids...and besides, when did sharing a sleeping space become such a terrible thing?”

She reached for my arm, but I pulled it away as much as I could. I couldn’t stop myself from glaring at her in the process.

“Are you really mad?”

Against the backdrop of the soft light of our lantern, I caught a glimpse of the solemn look on her face.

“Forget it.”

I turned away from her, hoping I could escape her, my chest swelling with guilt, confusion.

“Fine,” Harley sighed in resignation.

I was hoping that would be the end of it, but Harley continued after a pause.

“You got me,” she said, “I only brought one tent on purpose...I mean, I thought about bringin’ Barry’s, but I didn’t really wanna...”

I stared at my hand, wondering if it really belonged to me. Or if I really belonged to this body. I tried to press myself flatter into the ground, praying that the earth would swallow me up.

“Pammy, I miss you. And I love you,” her voice quieted, “But you avoid me at school, and you don’t answer my calls anymore…did I do something to piss ya off?”

My throat felt thick and I closed my eyes.

“Tell me...please…?”

Harley’s brittle plea shocked me. I felt bad at the realization that I had hurt her, but my voice was lost. I opened my mouth, only to close it again without emitting a sound. I felt so ugly in that moment. Undeserving any of her mercy.

I didn’t answer and we lied in silence together, until Harley gave up and switched off the lantern. All light fled the tent as I dropped off into a restless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the short chapter, especially after such a long wait. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	6. Existing Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew!
> 
> Thanks for waiting for this one, folks! A part of me wishes I wasn't writing this on the fly, so I could have set up some stuff better in earlier chapters. I thank you all who are still reading and find the story engaging despite it.

I awoke with the sun only to find myself alone.

There was certain relief that came with this realization, like waking up from a frightening nightmare. With the sun beginning to shine through the translucent dome of the tent, I lied still, comfortable and relaxed as I tried to absorb every ray. Maybe Harley and I never came here together…maybe I was finally alone, in the arms of a world that would never hurt me, or expect me to be anyone else.

The air seeping through the mesh felt fresh on my face, and the smell of pine made my muscles melt with every inhale. I felt cradled by the earth, the ground supportive and reliable underneath me. I tried to remain in the feeling for as long as I could, it occasionally lulling me back to sleep.

Though I couldn’t completely shake reality.

Curling up on my side, for the last time I attempted to slip back into my reverie, but thoughts of Harley and the night before pulled me away. She was mad, I was sure. I was mad at me, too…and confused. Me, capable of hurting Harley? I was surprised she had even noticed my absence!

As the sun continued its climb in the sky, the tent began to heat up like an oven. I kicked off the top of my sleeping bag feeling suffocated. Outside, I could see the sun glaring over the horizon.

Harley was nowhere in sight and most everything was still in the back of the truck.

I pulled out one of the chairs from the truck bed and sank into it.

Harley was probably off relieving herself.

The white aspens of the grove dulled with the sun cast behind them. Their trunks showcased a number of etchings left by people who had carved into their soft bark over the years. They were scars that would remain a part of them, no matter how many times their leaves changed color.

Feeling fled my body as I tried to deflate the swelling in my chest. 

She had been gone for awhile, hadn’t she?

On the other side of the dirt road, the ground disappeared as it bent down into the creek. I walked over to the crest to see if any water was still flowing, only to come upon Harley kneeling next to a cluster of shrubs. She had her weight pushed forward to the balls of her feet as if she had been moving.

Following her line of sight, I noticed what had captured Harley’s attention: three ruddy calves grazing on the newly grown grass poking out from the shallow water.

My stomach dropped. Where there were baby elk, there was usually a mother…and maybe even the bull.

“Harls, you’re _way too close_!” I warned with a low voice.

“What?! I’m just watchin’ em!”

Her face turned to me momentarily, an excited gleam in her eye before nodding towards the fuzzy, brown creatures. I started to recall all the times Harley chased bunnies and squirrels when we were kids, hoping to pet and hug them, to get a better look—but those smaller animals weren’t aggressive.

I frowned at Harley’s obvious lie. My feet carried me quickly to her side where I reached out and grabbed her by the arm. The animals were about the _only_ thing Harley liked about our camping trips. I felt stupid, only remembering now as I, in vain, attempted to pull her to her feet.

She snatched her arm away, breaking free of me. Her eyes never left the calves.

“I won’t get any closer, pinky swear!”

Harley held up her hand, little finger raised. She was already off in her own world and completely ignorant to everything around her…my feelings included.

“You’re acting like a _stupid child_!”

My teeth grit together, attempting to keep the words back. I wasn’t even sure how much Harley heard, her face leaving my sight as I turned on my heel, wanting to go back to camp. 

My heart thumped in my chest, my eyes dragging along the dead patches of grass below me. I had only taken a step, when I lifted my head and saw the bull trotting over the swell from the direction of our camp. He let out a bugle—a deep, feral growl that scattered the calves out of sight.

“Uh-oh…”

Harley’s response would have been comical, if it hadn’t seemed to urge him on. His hooves tapped; eyes locked onto us. I could feel my muscles constrict as he swung his proud antlers back and forth. He was approaching faster, so much that my eyes couldn’t register what I was witnessing. 

It was only when Harley’s hand wrapped around my wrist and tugged me that my feet lifted from the ground. We ran down towards the creek bed, the incline giving us extra momentum. Harley’s shoes clapped against the water-worn cobbles chasing away the noise of the blood draining from my head.

When I glanced over my shoulder, I found my face at the tip of the bull’s antlers as he was about to lift his head and knock me over. The desire to run drained from my body, my legs refusing to move. Instead my world turned upside down, gravity pulling me backward as Harley yanked the back of my shirt. I ended up lying flat on my back in the stream, dazed. I contemplated not getting up as Harley filled my vision.

The bull behind her gave a thrust of his head and I saw Harley sway on her feet, one foot jumping in front of the other before she braced herself. Doubling over, she winced, and my arms flew up to protect my face. I thought she’d topple onto me, but she remained standing under her weight.

Harley’s hands were in mine, pulling me to my feet. She shoved me forward before staggering behind me. We ran downstream a little longer, the bull eventually slowing and turning back in the direction of the calves, satisfied.

Out of breath, I collapsed to the ground.

“Ow—motherfucker tried ta impale me!”

Harley dropped to her knees next to me, hands clasped at her lower back. I was worried by the way she howled, her head tipping back towards her spine. I knew enough to understand how scared the bull must have felt. How easily his antlers could puncture through skin and muscle.

The lack of oxygen in my lungs made me feel dizzy. Was Harley…laughing? Her cry transformed into gleeful laughter like she had just remembered a funny joke.

I glanced down her body. There was no blood—just some dirt on her top and a small tear in the back.

“That--! That was wild!”

Harley showcased a grin from ear to ear as she turned to sit next to me. My hand still grasped my chest. Tears had gathered under my eyes…and here she was smiling! Laughing!

Pulling my knees to my chest—I couldn’t help it—I cried…

And she kept laughing… 

I pressed my forehead to my knees, unable to hold myself back. 

“You ok, Pam?”

Harley rested her hand between my shoulder blades. Her voice sounded like it had the previous night: soft and vulnerable. 

“What is wrong with you?!”

She looked at me, eyes wide in surprise, but a smile still plastered across her face, nonetheless.

“You’re so _stupid_!”

Somewhat resigned, she shrugged, “Yeah, I guess I am…”

There it was again: Harley’s shameless acceptance of herself.

I hugged my knees tighter, missing the warmth of her hand on my back, “You could’ve really been hurt…and when you helped me up…”

She shrugged again in reply, “Better me than you.”

“All I do is hurt you.”

“Jeez Pam—”

“Well, it’s true, isn’t it?!” I snapped, “…I wish you would’ve left me there with the bull!”

Harley’s shoulders sank, her voice softening, “He would have seriously maimed ya…” 

I looked away, my eyes catching on the water-worn cobbles in the stream bed. Hundreds of years had worked to smooth their rough surfaces and jagged edges.

“You’re mad at me.”

“Sure,” she agreed, “But that doesn’t mean I wanna see ya hurt. Or dead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not entirely convinced I nailed the emotional through line this chapter, so let me know what you think in the comments!
> 
> Thanks again for reading!


	7. You Are There

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness! If you are still following this story, I applaud you! Thank you so much for your interest! You have no idea how much it means to me. This has been a whole writing adventure for me and I love knowing that other people are following along. 
> 
> I wish I could give y'all longer chapters, or more frequent updates in return, but unfortunately this is all I am capable of at the moment. 
> 
> Stay well, and happy reading!

I started crying. 

I couldn’t explain why, just that it felt like something inside had me shook loose—something I had been holding onto tightly.

After everything, Harley was still there, sitting beside me. I didn’t know what to do with that—what that meant— 

If she were so mad, wouldn’t she have left?

“Pam, what’s wrong?”

I tried to wipe my tears away—to hide my face, but it was too late. She already knew. 

“I’m scared,” I admitted, my head bowed to the ground. What was the point in trying to hide it anymore? 

“Yeah, I guess that was kinda scary,” Harley casually responded, “But I think Papa Elk is probably back with the babes now.”

Why was she acting so…normal? 

Harley was just out of view. It was almost as if I was hallucinating her voice.

“That’s not it…”

Harley’s hand was on my shoulder, “Then tell me.”

I gulped in a few breaths of air. When my eyes opened, I realized I had sat in a bed of tiny, meadow flowers. Their petals curled, though I wasn’t quite sure if they were in the process of blooming or dying.

“You scare me.”

Right. Harley—who was always so open and honest—who often times acted like a mirror reflecting all those things I didn’t want to feel back at me—who I cared about more than anyone, and who I knew loved me—

“Oh.”

Her hand dropped, and I was taken aback by her seemingly easy resignation.

“So I did do something…”

The pain in Harley’s voice made my whole body tremble. After everything I’d already put her through—after everything she had already done for me—

I shook my head in protest, while I tried to steady my voice.

“No—that’s not—not what I meant…”

I pulled back my tears, but I still couldn’t bring myself to look at her, “I’m—I’m just afraid you might eventually leave me—one day you won’t love me—”

That was about as long as I could go without crying again. Like heavy summer rain, I felt my tears torrent down my cheeks again. This was it. Our friendship was over. 

I couldn’t look at her. Even as the silence grew longer between us, I kept my head down. Maybe if I was lucky the ground would open up and swallow me whole. 

“Well that’s silly,” Harley finally muttered, “You’re my best friend.” 

Her arms were around me. Harley’s head pressed into mind as she squeezed. I felt safe with her body so close to mine, her skin warm against me.

I never wanted Harley to let go.  
\----- 

I had dreampt that dream again—

The one where I lie dead in the ground with everyone talking around me, but not looking at me…

—Though this time the casket broke, splintering apart into a thousand tiny pieces. Vines curled around my arms and legs, flowers pushed through the spaces between my fingers…as everyone fell away—their voices vanishing into the air taking away the stranger they had mourned. 

Everyone…but Harley—never looking away once. Her trademark grin sparkling.

She held her hand out to me and I grabbed it.

“—Pammy."

My eyes fluttered open, revealing my house on the other side of the windshield. 

“Sorry ta wake ya,” Harley apologized before glancing in that direction, “But I figure, you’d rather sleep in your bed.”

I shook my head, my thoughts still fuzzy from the dream. I had only meant to close my eyes for a few seconds, but must have fallen asleep. 

My ears picked up the purring of the truck’s engine. The sun warmed my skin. I could recognize my surroundings as my eyes drank in everything around me. When I looked down, I noticed—remembered—my hand had been holding onto Harley’s the entire time.


	8. Next Step

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooow...finally, am I right?
> 
> Seriously, thank you to everyone who kept up with this story. I know it took a lot longer to get this last chapter out. I'm not too happy with it, to be honest, but I hope y'all who like the story will feel differently. Please let me know how you feel, like it or no! I appreciate all the feedback I've recieved. It means alot!
> 
> Happy reading!

We were friends, right?

I stared at my dark form in the mirror, giving up any hope of sleeping that night. My heart was pounding—it hadn’t stopped since Harley dropped me off. She held onto me for a long time—longer than she ever had before and instead of disappearing for once, I felt grounded. More tethered to the world of the living than I ever had…

But why couldn’t I sleep? Even as my eyelids drops, my body feeling tired from our trip, I couldn’t seem to relax. Thoughts continued to bombard my mind, following the rapid beat of my heart. 

I held onto my phone, like I had Harley’s hand.

Harley didn’t hate me. Harley listened to me. She touched me. Told me she loved me. Showed me she loved me. Recalling those things made my chest swell, a smile breaking out onto my face.

Harley was my friend, right—but then, why did I want to be close to her—push myself against her and stay there for a long time. Forever, even…  
\-----  
“I need to talk to you about something.”

“Well, hello to you to Pamela.”

Selina locked eyes with me as she turned her head in my direction. I tried not to glare. I didn’t particularly like Selina, but I had to accept that she was Harley’s friend. There was no one else who could help me. 

“Have a seat,” she offered, somewhat sarcastically.

Tangling my fingers together, I lowered myself on to the bench. 

Selina kept staring at me, like a cat. My eyes fell to my feet.

“Spit it out,” she needled, impatiently, “Or go find Harley to talk to.”

My mouth was as dry as the Sahara Desert.

“I can’t,” I finally croaked, “This is about—Harley.”

A heaviness sank into my chest. I glanced up at Selina just in time to see her frown.

“If this has anything to do with how you’ve been so obviously avoiding her, I don’t want to hear it.”

Fair. 

I dropped my head again. The weight kept pushing against me. It was so painful, I thought I might cry—

“I’ve only had to listen to her whine about you for the last month! Whatever it is, you need talk to her—”

I pressed a hand to my chest and sucked in a breath. Selina pushed herself forward, jumping to her feet.

“—wait!”

She stilled. I couldn’t believe it—I felt so small, my voice shaking, but somehow it was enough.

“I—I can’t stop thinking about Harley. And my chest hurts—and I can’t stop thinking about the last time we hugged, or when she held my hand…”

Selina sat back down.

“Pamela,” her voice is serious, stern, but also suspiciously sincere, “It’s ok if you like Harley.”

“Well of course I like Harley—”

“—That’s not what I meant.”

I knew that. 

I knew what Selina meant. 

But being attracted to another girl? It wasn’t quite what I envisioned for myself, though if I was being honest, I hadn’t envisioned myself being attracted to anyone. 

I looked down at my hands, my fingers twisted in knots again.

“But what if Harley…what if she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. What if she’s doesn’t like my feelings?”

“Quit being so dramatic, Pamela. It’s unbecoming of you.”

I gripped the bottom of the bench, afraid I might float away otherwise. I couldn’t look at Selina—all my energy had to be focused on keeping my feet on the ground. We sat in silence until she finally stood.

“At least talk to her for my sake. I’m absolutely exhausted of having to take care of her because of you.”

Selina sighed and walked away.  
\-----

I wasn’t sure what came over me, but I continued to cling to Harley long after we had said goodbye that day. She pressed her cheek firmly into my chest and I was flooded with a tempting warmth.

“Can I tell you something?” I asked, the words leaving my mouth before I could stop them.

“You can tell me anything.”

Harley’s voice was calm. It was soothing.

I dropped my hands and put some space between us. She grabbed my forearms and looked up, flashing me a concerned smile.

“You might feel differently after this…”

Harley’s smile turned into a frown. She gripped a little tighter.

I felt that familiar weight descend back onto my chest. 

“I—I like you—a lot.”

I looked Harley briefly in the eye. Her hardened expression melted away and a laugh burst from her mouth:

“Yeah I know! I like ya too, Pammy!”

I couldn’t move, my eyes darting away from her as she continued to giggle. I felt my lips pressed together and my cheeks burn. I didn’t know if I had the resolve to try to explain what I meant. I could feel myself leaving again, my feet lifting from the ground… 

I was only brought back into my body when I felt Harley grasp my hand. Her eyes softened as they met mine, her laughter subsiding as a sympathetic smile broke out on her face.

“Hey, Pammy, it’s ok, ya know—," she said gently and squeezed my hand, “I love ya, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading! This was my first time writing a multi-chapter story with plot like this, so I appreciate all who read this far and left kudos and comments.

**Author's Note:**

> Are you still interested in this story? Let me know in the comments!


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